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Double Double


GayLove

This has been on my mind lately and its giving me headaches: my brothers who are closeted and having to live a double life just to please society.

Of course, we all can’t be out of the closet.  But how do we strike the balance between being who you really are and at the same time having to live your life in a way that society expects you to. This includes being partaking in organised religion and having a wife and kids.

It is tough being gay in this day and age;  but imagine how challenging it is when you have to duck and dive, pretending you are heterosexual whereas you know very well that you are not being true to yourself and are actually lying to the people who think they know you.

This is a result of how society expects us as men to behave and live our live. I am a 38 years old man who by now according to societal expectations is supposed to be married to a woman and having two or more children )depending on personal choice of course). I really can’t imagine how my life would have been if I wasn’t open about my sexuality; I bet I would have been the most miserable person in the world.

Living your life according to what others expect of you must be very physically and mentally draining. Hiding things and constantly living in fear of being “discovered”, means you always have to be on alert.  That is not the way life was supposed to be live. I wish there was a way of making things easier. In an ideal world, no one would be judged by their sexual orientation nor expected to “come” out. We would all just live our lives and date whoever we are attracted to.

Honestly, my heart bleeds when I think of the people who are not in the same situation as I am where they can just be free to be who they are and live their lives as they please.

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Posted by on February 24, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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What is holding you back?


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Just a short piece on what I have seen and observed in me and my circle of friends; something is holding us back from loving. What that is, I’ve got no idea but I will try and talk about what I think has been holding me back from letting go and opening up to someone in the past.

 1.       Past hurts

Yes we’ve all experienced heartbreak and disappointment in our relationships and this has left some of us somewhat disillusioned.

 2.       Am I good enough for him?

I have to say this is what I have been most guilty of. The question “am I good enough for him”” has held me back from pursuing relationships because I felt I am not “worthy” of being loved because of my looks, past, qualifications, possessions and a whole lot of unnecessary things until I met the someone who was persistent enough to make me let down my guard and just let go. Low self-esteem issues lead to us not exploring our potential. We are mostly to blame for this as no one ever said “You are not good enough for me”, yet we still hold ourselves back.

3.       Does he really love me?

How do you expect to get to a destination if you don’t start walking? Go out with him, see what happens. If you are not meant to be together; so be it. Why should we always have to overthink things. If he is playing games, you will find out. Just don’t let it stop you from loving

 4.       I’ve been hurt too much

Like really, who in the world can say they’ve never been hurt or experienced disappointment? This goes back to number 1: yes you might get hurt, and you will learn from the experience. If you fall, you don’t remain on the ground but you get up. Get up and move on.

 5.       He  is just not my type

I hear this a lot from some of my friends. And my question is usually “what is your type”. The response I get is a long list of attributes, features and a whole lot of things that the person doesn’t have. Love is not about looks, possessions and all the things we expect from potential boyfriends. Love is about loving the person and wanting to be with them come what may.

Honestly the only person who is holding you from finding the on is none other than yourself.

 
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Posted by on March 27, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Fitting in or just disappearing?


ImageNot so long ago, I relocated from Gauteng to Pietemaritzburg and was very anxious about my being able to settle down in this small town. For a small town gayboy like myself this shouldn’t have been much of a concern; but for weeks before the “great move” I was a bundle of nerves as I grappled with the thought of how am I going to survive in a province that is still rooted traditional culture and probably a lot of homophobia?

I have been here before and have always been on the alert about how I walk, talk and do things as not to be singled out as “one of those guys” which I now find funny because there is absolutely no way I can hide my “gayness” as this is something pretty obvious with me as I’m one of the people of whom you might say he wears his sexuality on his sleeve”. If there someone needed a poster boy for Gay Pride, I bet my skinny arm and leg that it would be me. I’ve never been straight acting (whatever that means) nor have I ever gone out with a mission to shout it out loud that “here I am, I am gay”.

I like to think of myself as someone who looks, acts, dresses and behaves the exact way he should. And this has been a challenge wherever I have gone. Please note that there is nothing glam about me as I look and dress just like any other guy you might bump into while running your errands, but there has always been that something that sets me apart from the say “normal, ordinary” guys.

So in the past week as I was reflecting about my move and how I have more or less settled, the thought that ever since I got here no one has ever said anything or questioned my sexuality. This I found very odd as in my hometown and anywhere else in Gauteng, it was quite easy for people to single me out as different or as I have been called “one of them”. Does this mean I am doing what I have always thought was the case; Blending in, or am I invisible or is it just a matter of people being busy doing their own thing and living their lives so much that they don’t care about that skinny guy with a strange voice? Or is it a matter of people not caring what I am.

These questions still remain to be answered, but what I dread the most is having to come out over and over again because I really have never had the need to actually explain myself to anyone. Lets just hope that it is obvious to my neighbors, the guy who cut my hair and all the people I meet on the street and every body else that yes I am gay and I’m not trying to blend in or be invisible because that would mean I’m not being true to who I am.

 
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Posted by on August 19, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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The Queens of “The Gardens”

The Queens of “The Gardens”

It was a cold a drizzling day when I met Megan and Cleo; two homeless gay men belonging to a group called “The Queens of the Gardens” because of their frequenting the famous Company Gardens, I shiver even though I am wearing a jersey and I can’t help wondering how cold these two young men sitting next to me must feel in their light tops.

Cleo is 19 years old and Megan is 20, they are both originally from Mitchells Plain where they grew up and got thrown out of their comfort zones because of circumstances they both attest that they couldn’t control, they have never met before they became homeless but their circumstances made them best friends. This makes one wonder if the lives we are living are something we can or cannot have control over.  As they share their stories with me I can’t help notice that they are bubbly and well-spoken even though Megan has told me that he dropped out of school and he can’t read.

Cleo ended up on the streets of Cape Town six years ago when he couldn’t take the instability in his family life anymore “my mother has never had a house of her own, and we have always been moving from place to place. Most of the time we were living her boyfriends and would have to move on when the relationship ended” he says with a glazed look in his eyes. He tells me that six years ago he and his mother were living with one of her boyfriends as usual when the man’s sister arrived one night and told him that it is about time he found a place of his own, that was not the only problem he faced this time; the man they were living with was intolerant of his sexual orientation and had very strict rules about how he was supposed to be a “man”. Cleo goes on to say on that very same night he packed whatever little he had and decided to move to the City with hopes of finding a job which turned out to be a rather difficult task for someone so young and who doesn’t have any education.  That is how he ended up living by himself in the streets until he met Megan a little later who became his friend not only because they share the same circumstances of being homeless, but that they both are gay men who have been rejected by society.

Megan who is a year older than Cleo and has been homeless for seven years was forced to go out into the cold streets of Cape Town when his mother and sister were shot in an unexplained incidence, and His other sister is also in Cape Town making a living as a commercial sex worker. He comes across as the stronger of the two and he is so well-spoken for someone who never had an education and his sense of humour adds to his aura. For someone who has no place to call home and depends on what people are willing to give him, Megan is very spiritual and very optimistic about life. If only he had an identity document he would be able to get a job and make a living but that is not the case as his mother was negligent and did not even bother registering his birth.

Cleo and Megan shared with me how they live by begging on the streets and having clothes given to them by total strangers while in the other hand some people tell them to go look for jobs when they ask them for money which ironically enough is not large amounts as all they need for a single meal at the soup kitchen, where the go three times a day is R1.50. They both share the same fear of something happening to them and Megan being the oldest is more concerned about Cleo’s safety than his own, “every night when he is not back or delayed in coming back to Bo Kaap where we spend the nights I cry and pray that he be safe”. What strikes me as interesting and dispelled my misconceptions of homeless people is that the two “queens” laughed and said not at all, but we do smoke cigarettes when I asked them if they do drugs.

Life is indeed very interesting but when you get to talk with the people who are experiencing something you have never imagined could happen in your life is quite an eye opening experience and how we take for granted all the things we have whereas there are other people who wish they could be us.

(picture by Simonia Mashangoane; Cleo, me and Megan)

 
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Posted by on February 22, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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I’m in “like” with you, but how do I tell you?

I’m in “like” with you, but how do I tell you?

Oh, how I remember the days of young love and “like”. The days when the boys I crushed on gave me a tingle inside my chest. The days when all I could think about was hanging out with them and sharing secrets. The days when all I was concerned about was liking him and not whether or not he had a job or good credit…

Of course, I wasn’t dating when I was 15, but that’s beside the point. What matters now is that you still have an opportunity to do these things—young crush things. Writing love letters may be a little too much right now, but you can be his friend and have a blast hanging out.

Here’s what you can do to get all the answers you need:

Make the approach. I’m assuming you guys aren’t already friends, so strike up a random conversation with him (about anything… yeah, anything). This will break the ice and you’ll see what kind of instant connection you two might have.

Make a date. Well, make a “hanging out” date. Invite him to check out a movie with you or play some ball or study together. Strike up more conversation to get to know him better.

Drop hints. During your “dates” (which aren’t really dates), bring up gay topics in the news or that one gay kid you knew in primary school or any other random gay topic. His reactions will help you figure out where he stands and, as an added bonus, will open the “gay” topic up for discussion.

Come out (when you’re ready). If you feel comfortable, let him know that you are gay. Try not to pressure him into coming out right then, but let him know that he can talk to you. If he’s scared he may back off, only to return later. Clear the air about yourself, but give him some space.

Let life take its course. This is the hard step for us impatient romantics. There are an infinite number of ways this crush can go. You won’t know for sure if he’s gay until he tells you and even then you won’t know if he digs you until he… you guessed it—tells you. In other words, you might as well be his friend, spend time with him, share you feelings, then chill and let things happen. All of your questions will be answered soon enough.

No matter how things play out, you’ll get some practice at approaching guys (which will be a huge asset once you get older… Gay men love other men who are brave enough to make the first move).

Well, my gay friend, I have to go off and check my credit report and you have your approach (and some dates) to plan. Remember, play it cool, ask him out, bring up gay topics, come out to him and then have the time of your life.

 

 

 
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Posted by on March 17, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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Who is to judge?

Who is to judge?

For a first post on a blog called Blaque and Pink, this may come across as rather bleak and heart breaking. I am not one to cry over split milk or ask the why’s and why not’s, but what I see around me lately has made me to ask a lot of these questions.

As far as I know I never chose my sexual orientation and neither did any of the gay folk I come across, most of us have even at some point said “if I had a choice, I would not choose to be gay”. If our sexual orientation is something we never chose, why are we judged over it? Our communities look and regard us as freaks, our families disown us, we are judged, persecuted and discriminated against by the people who should be showing us love.

Never have I heard of a group of gay boys attacking another boy simply because he is straight, neither have I heard of a straight boy being disowned by his family because he happened to be too macho. So why are we treated this way both publicly and behind closed doors? Our lesbian sisters are raped as an attempt to show them that they are women as if they did not know that they were born and are female.

Is this justified behavior from society? Don’t get me started on our right to love and marry whom ever we want to, this is something frowned upon by all religions and in most countries it is totally unacceptable and seems like chances of same sex unions being legal is something we won’t be seeing in the near future if not forever. I am a human being, a man and a lover of men, does that make me different and an outcast because I happen to be sexually, emotionally and physically attracted to other men? Who has the right to judge me in this regard.

The Bible which is the book that Christians regard as the Divinely Inspired Word of God says in 2nd Corinthians 13 v 5 says Love does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil…. my question is when you planning to kill someone because he loves differently or you disown your child just because he happens to be what you believe is socially not acceptable, is that love.

n.b This post is a result of an incidence I happened to be involved in this week where love was taken back by parents because they found out their son is gay.

 
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Posted by on March 10, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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